i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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