I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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