So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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