I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
