I think my fart just growled at me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
