I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
