Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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