and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
