I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
