i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
