that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
tell me about the eggs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize