I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
