Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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