Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
