Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We had to coat check the pizza.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We were destined to go to rehab together
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
