don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
