I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
