Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
