Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize