My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
