All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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