Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
