I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
