I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
