For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
