oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
