you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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