Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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