its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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