No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
