last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
