I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Boobs are out for the taking
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
