Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
