i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
