my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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