I just pynch a tree in the face
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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