I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
