Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
