You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
