Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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