at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
