Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
