I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the day after is always just damage control
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can I color on your dick again?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
