Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
