we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
