I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
