My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I woke up under a house in Key West
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
