Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
