its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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