Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
