I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
