mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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