Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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