walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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