Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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